Open At Your Own Risk...

Products that need opening require
the heavy handed strength of a
Sumo wrestler...
The caps and lids never budge,
and the foil or plastic seal under the
cap must have been fused on by NASA.
I’ve invented cuss words trying
to pry up the seals.

Life is hard enough, so why do
companies have to make it so
impossible to use their products to begin with?
Manufacturers must sit around at a
huge table devising new ways to
drive consumers nuts.

Aspirin bottles are annoyingly difficult:
Line up the arrows and pull off.
Sure…
The only thing I usually pull off is
my fingernail--and they’re real!

I tried feverishly to twist off a jar lid
of spaghetti sauce.
I twisted, pried, whacked the lid--
it stayed on like it had been vacuum-
packed by some gigantic air-sucking creature.

This over-tightening, over-sealing is done for
product freshness and safety.
How many times have I tried to rip open a
foil or plastic package, resorting to yanking
the edge open with my teeth?
Teeth are more convenient than scissors...

All products need to come with a warning:
Try to open--we dare ya--at your own risk,
which may include the following side effects:
A broken wrist, fingernails pulled back to the quick,
and a migraine the size of the Moon…
Exactly where I’d like to Pow-Zoom
the cap and lid inventors…