Ho-Ho-Ho

It’s that time of year when grown men
start climbing up ladders propped against
their homes, strands of twisted Christmas
lights looped around their necks.

I’m sure some wives would love to tighten
a few of those light ropes just a bit…
It’s a heated competition in the neighborhood
to see which home can out-light the other.

One year, we had an idiot family living
directly across the street--always in trouble
with the law. Their last hurrah before moving
away was to string as many lights as humanly
possible over the roof of the house, much
like Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation.

The woman’s boyfriend--we called him
Joy-Boy, climbed over the roof, draping and
stapling thousands of lights across the entire
roof. J.B. started stringing at noon and his
Gold’s Gym body didn’t finish to well after 1 a.m.

Our bedroom was suddenly lit up like a
fireworks factory had exploded. I’m sure
the Space Shuttle astronauts could have
spotted their home.

It’s amazing how far some of the neighbors
go to decorate. My neighbor and friend,
Jimmie, a short and portly Italian, must have
bought every Christmas decoration sold by Walmart.
Every part of his home has something.

The blow up figures are the funniest since many
of them semi deflate, so that half of the character’s
body is upright with the top half hanging over to
the ground. Probably how a lot of people will
feel after the holidays…

So, the first section of our street has inflated
Nativity scenes, inflated Frosty’s, golden
reindeer, and Santa sleighs, along with luminarias
bordering the driveways. Quite a pretty spectacle.

From my home a few houses up, it’s dark--no
Grinches here, just people who realize
ya gotta unstaple, un-tangle, deflate, climb
around like a roof rat, and eventually figure
out how everything goes back in the boxes
the stuff was originally in.
Ha! It's a feat that makes the sane go nuts.
Good luck all, and to all a good night!

Don't Mall Me!

It’s that time of year again when
craziness descends in the form of
two-legged, pushing and shoving
humanoids, who have just squeezed
into the last known mall parking
space on the face of the earth.

Beam me up! Now, please, before
the multitude of swarming, caffeinated
creatures, embodied with special sale
radar and nudging elbows suck me into
their hive of madness.

Scene 1:

Buy 1 and get 1 at 110% off!! Huh…?
Swarm, buzz…

Scene 2:

The head-wrapped kiosk man with
Omar Sharif eyes is demonstrating
an amazing flying toy, acrobatically
diving and swooping.
Omar zeroes in on me since I foolishly
looked over at him.

“No, no thanks,“ I reply.
He’s swooping the toy back and forth.
“Okay, only if it can fly me up
and away from here!”
“You crazy lady, go away--no come back.”
Another Seinfeld moment.
My Kodak moments are getting
slimmer and slimmer...

Scene 3:

I’m trying to find a wedge of space
to see what’s on a sale rack of clothes.
Ladies with vulture sized handbags
are flinging and shoving coat hangers
of polyester and silk…
I’m suddenly thinking of a nice hot cup
of vanilla caramel tea within the
comfort of my four walls.

Scene 4:

I slink and dodge the invading
masses of female flesh navigating
down the aisles, some of whom are
wearing athletic shoes;others are perched
precariously in stilettos.
I find the exit door, and finally, my car.

Scene 5:

Home never looked so good as I seat
myself at the computer, sipping my tea.
Online shopping is great: I find some used,
almost new books on Amazon for a penny.

I continue to weave my way through
the World Wide Web, until I hit the
Black Widow of Cyberspace:
the servers are down--please try again later.

Bah-humbug…

Gobble This!

The holidays are fast upon us, and with
that, all the planning--like what should
I fix this Thanksgiving and Christmas?

I have the holiday cooking magazines
filled with pages of gorgeous tables laden
with delicious food.

I always have the best intentions of
baking some of the mouth-watering
confections, or serving something
other than turkey, like a Leg of Lamb,
which is often hard to find in my market.

I could probably get away with
Leg of Bunny or Roasted Armadillo--easy
to find around our neck of the woods.

Speaking of neck, Cruiser hasn’t waddled
into our yard for almost 3 weeks.
Maybe I ruffled its feathers by lessening
its tortilla chip or bread handouts…

Sure miss the fat and feathered old guy--or gal.
Hmm, I wonder…