Monday, November 9, 2009

Don't Mall Me!

It’s that time of year again when
craziness descends in the form of
two-legged, pushing and shoving
humanoids, who have just squeezed
into the last known mall parking

space on the face of the earth.

Beam me up! Now, please, before
the multitude of swarming, caffeinated
creatures, embodied with special sale
radar and nudging elbows suck me into
their hive of madness.

Scene 1:

Buy 1 and get 1 at 110% off!! Huh…?
Swarm, buzz…

Scene 2:

The head-wrapped kiosk man with
Omar Sharif eyes is demonstrating
an amazing flying toy, acrobatically
diving and swooping.

Omar zeroes in on me since I foolishly
looked over at him.

“No, no thanks,“ I reply.
He’s swooping the toy back and forth.
“Okay, only if it can fly me up
and away from here!”

“You crazy lady, go away--no come back.”
Another Seinfeld moment.
My Kodak moments are getting
slimmer and slimmer.

Scene 3:

I’m trying to find a wedge of space
to see what’s on a sale rack of clothes.

Ladies with vulture sized handbags
are flinging and shoving coat hangers
of polyester and silk…

I’m suddenly thinking of a nice hot cup
of vanilla caramel tea within the
comfort of my four walls.

Scene 4:

I slink and dodge the invading
masses of female flesh navigating
down the aisles, some of whom are
wearing athletic shoes;others are perched
precariously in stilettos.
I find the exit door, and finally, my car.

Scene 5:

Home never looked so good as I seat
myself at the computer, sipping my tea.

Online shopping is great: I find some used,
almost new books on Amazon for a penny.

I continue to weave my way through
the World Wide Web, until I hit the
Black Widow of Cyberspace:

the servers are down--please try again later.



GutsyWriter said...

I don't shop very much anymore. Mainly due to not overspending though. Funny story though. I can see you don't like crowds either.

Daisy Soap Girl said...

Oh yeah, I'm feeling you. Give me computer shopping anyday, even with the gliches. As crazy as it seems, I purposely save one day to go out in that mob to buy something for myself. Just so I can complain, you see.