Snort, Snort--Guess Who?!

New Years Eve brought us a wonderful,
butt-wagging, foot-flapping surprise:
Cruiser, our resident duck, came waddling
back to our yard. Surprise of surprises!

With Paul running to the kitchen to grab
some multi grain bread, Mama Cruiser, who
is leaner, began snorting, wiggling her way
past the screen door.

She was as excited to see us as we were
to see her-- at least 3 months have passed
since her last visit. What better New Year’s
than to have Ol’ Snorty back in our lives.

Funny how much we missed feather-butt
and her almost daily visits.
I was sure that my scolding had sent her
off into a huff when she had voraciously
grabbed the bread from my hand, as well
as my finger.

My New Year’s resolution--at least one?
Cruiser, I promise not to quack at you!

Pleeze Come Into My La-bor-a-tory...

I’m going under the microscope today.
I feel like a bug in a Far Side cartoon.
I warned my eye surgeon I’d better not
see antennae sprouting from his head, or
see that he’s suddenly transformed into
a drooling mad doctor with a penchant
for experimentation. I’m going into the
O.R. with two eyes, doc--not three.

I’m not supposed to eat or drink before
surgery. Right now, I’m smelling scrambled
eggs and turkey bacon, and Tom just asked
if I could make him some coffee.
Cruel…

Another thing on the list is No Makeup.
God help me…Halloween is over, isn't it?
No lotions or perfumes--I’ll come out of
surgery smelling like a rubber tire.
Tommy Bahama…I need my Tommy!

I guess the hospital is afraid the patient
might light up--literally. It’s happened:
Combustible patients are really on the rise…
Check the sprinkler system--quick!

I’ll be glad when the Trilogy of The Eye is done.
Doctor Corrent said a few extra stitches
should fix the leak. Thanks, doc…
Winterize me while you’re at it!
B-rrrr...

"Muteny"

Looking for some greasy fries and McNuggets!
[Paul's pic}




Commercials--you either hate them or
love them. I’ve yet to see mama bear
and her cubs in the woods with a roll of
toilet paper. We’ve had a bear, but he
was after our bird feeder. Personally, I’m
a fan of White Cloud 3-Ply Ultra.

When it comes to geckos, the only ones
I’ve seen are sunbathing on the lanai,
pumping their tiny muscles:
Up, down, up, down…


Car commercials really drive me nuts, with
their high-octane spokespersons stoked on
too many Red Bulls or Starbucks, screaming
the month end sales pitches.
I’ve never used the Mute button so much…

When it comes to nutrition bars, I’ve never
been transported to or even thought of a
mountain vista while eating one.
If you look closely, most of the nutrition
bars are loaded with too much sugar and carbs.
I’d probably bike right off the mountain after eating one!
I still grab carrot sticks for a snack.

I remember the shampoo ad with a
gorgeous gal with lustrous locks who said,
“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.”
Don’t worry…never did, never will.
I didn't like the shampoo which seemed
to make my hair oily after a few days.

Beauty ads with young women are another
gripe of mine. I’ve yet to see anyone past
40 in the skin firming ads.
If you notice the before and after pictures,
the lighting is always different, too.

The befores use a lighting position which
accentuates the wrinkles and shadows.
The after shots are always lighter because
of fill lighting eliminating the before look.

I get a big kick from the automatic ab device ad.
Apparently you don't have to exert needlessly
to achieve a 6-pack.
The guys and gals are always young in those ads,
and it did take months of working out to look
that way. If the ab device can do housework too,
I'll order one!


Someday, maybe I’ll see an ad for a TV which
automatically eliminates commercials.
Until then…mute, mute, mute!

Don't Foil Me, Matey!

If the movies were casting for a pirate movie,
I’d be perfect: I’ve been sporting a Pirate Pete
black eye patch the last few days.

I had a setback, post cataract surgery,
when a few stitches began weakening.
My eye became watery and inflamed causing
double vision, and sending me pronto to my surgeon.
Years ago I had RK, which scarred and softened
the cornea, leading to the existing problem.

So, ol’ Patchy now has a contact lens keeping
added pressure applied to help stave the errant
stitches and heal the eye.
The lens adds to the double vision and lack of
depth perception, so the patch helps, blocking that problem.

On a scale of 1-10 on Nancy’s Humor Scale,
don’t expect too much ha-ha from me today.
It’s still a little rough to see especially after
taking the $200 eye drops, which really set me
off the plank at the pharmacy where I stood
dumbfounded, mouth open, in complete shock,
that a tiny bottle of 10ml drops could cost
that much. Funny thing is I apparently saved $60!.

Not one to be duped, I did some cyber investigating.
I found the same drops selling anywhere from $30 to
$90. Other pharmacies were charging $150.
Even my surgeon was dumbstruck by my cost.

So, patch-covered and blood boiling a bit on
my Richter scale, I faced the tall and mouthy
young man who sold me the prescription.
Like a Peanuts movie, I bleah-bleah blaaa blaad at him
about my price discoveries and discrepancies.
He became defiant, so I walked away and served
the kid up to the store manager, vowing not to
return to the store pharmacy.

Later, I attempted to make a pumpkin pie and
added too much/too little of some ingredients.
Jen and Paul complained of bubbling stomachs
soon after taking a few bites. I must have a cast
iron stomach, though I knew something was amiss.


I want to make some Christmas cookies, but
I’m enlisting Jen to measure the ingredients.
I don’t want to be responsible for any rolling
and pitching stomachs.

As Christmas nears, Ahoy mates, swab the decks
while yer at it!

Roasted What?

I’m still trying to figure out what to make
for Christmas dinner.
I’ve been driving around scouting out the
roadways, but there’s nothing worth picking up.
Must have been a big sweep lately on
raccoons, possums, and squirrels…

People living in the ‘glades aren’t close
to any supermarkets.
I’ve seen men pull their jacked up trucks
over to the roadside, pick up and toss
the unfortunate critter onto the truck bed.
I think the wildlife are getting smarter:
Keeping deep in the cypress swamp lands.

Recently I witnessed an egret cross an
intersection on the green light, taking his time,
then scooted into the landscaping near my
frequented bookstore.

So now, scattered on the sofa, are several
Holiday magazines with tantalizing dishes like
Pecan Pork Loin, Roasted Orange-Glazed Game Hens.
Hmmm…
I sense the piggies are starting to bolt…

To Naples Day Surgery, and Nancy's List:

Before I write today's blog, I want
to give accolades to my bedside nurses
at Naples Day Surgery: To Lyn and to the “Jennifers”
who were wonderful to me.
You ladies put a big smile on my face.
Hugs to all of you.
And to Dr. George Corrent of Bascom Palmer
Eye Institute in Naples, FL: You were the best in every way.
Thanks, everyone.

Nancy’s List:


* Elastic waist bands belong on underwear.
Shoot me if I'm ever wearing polyester with elastic.

* Floaters: Everyone has them.
Right now, I have a fly buzzing in my eye.
Where’s my eye-swatter?

* Strands of my hair can be found everywhere.
Thank goodness I have enough still left on my head.
Birds in the neighborhood love me...

* My bedroom slippers look like they’ve been
occupied by a family of raccoons…

* Have cheese? Nah--give me cheesecake.

* Drive-thru banks should supersize my withdrawal…

* Ads at the movie: If I wanted to watch them,
I would’ve stayed home and flipped on the TV.

* Uncontrollable emissions: air fresheners are in aisle 3--
there are noise abatement laws, too…

* Ever put a telemarketer on “hold”?
Wouldn’t it be great if you had their phone number?

* Tom thinks if something’s not been used for awhile,
toss it out…hmmm.

* My lovebird, Daisy, enjoys nibbling on my neck.
Pretty thrilling…

* Self-cleaning oven: I haven’t seen mine
move a muscle in months…

* Getting an order of chocolate truffles, and the
delivery person leaves the box in my sweltering garage…

* Making a chocolate shake from my truffle order…

*Feng Shui works for some people. How do I feng shui
bath towels and clothes left sprawled about? It’s kick butt time…

* Don’t sweat the small stuff. If you have salt, make Margaritas…

Toilet Bowl Blues

I’ve been analyzing toilets lately.

Sounds weird, I know.

Walmart has quick, super-zap flushers.

Borders have semi-quick, shred-the-paper flushers.

Books-A-Million [BAM] has the best, so far.

Our master bathroom toilet had a fitting

replaced by Steve The Plumber months ago.

Since then, the fill up is noisy and takes

longer than it takes to launch the Space Shuttle.

I hate the obvious--just give me a

discrete, quiet toilet. I bet the TV Caveman

could’ve fixed it--he’s a sensitive type,

instead of Steve, who reminded me of a mob boss.

I never liked the faucet he replaced in

the kitchen: A single, nondescript Delta--

no zip, doesn’t extend long enough.

Dishes are always banging the side of the sink.

I like a little style with function, after all.

So, back to the ambiance of the toilet.

I’m putting my request in for a pot

with a dynamic personality.

Dark eyes, dark hair--

My mind wanders…heh-heh.

Justifiable Chocolate-cide

"Don't even think about it, mom"!


I love the Chicken Soup For The Soul books.
I could use some chocolate instead.
I’m all chickened out.

I’m looking forward to my Swiss Colony
order--free truffles with my order.
It’s the only time that I get chocolates from
somebody. I sure could have relished
the chocolaty goodness yesterday.

I spent the greater part of Thursday fuming
in my eye doctor’s office. I’d waited for only
10 minutes and was ushered into the exam
room for a quick eye chart exam, given a
pressure test, then ushered into a waiting room.

“You’ll be called soon, Nancy” the attendant said.
I was hopeful that I’d be out within an hour
at the most. I was planning on meeting my gal
friend for a coffee afterward.

Two and a half hours later, my name was
called--not after the poor souls who were waiting
just as long, were conspiring to order up Pizza
Hut for all of us. It was 5:45 by the time I’d
been called into the office for my pre-op briefing.

I was hanging by a thread at that point,
since my healthy lunch at 12:00 consisted of
one piece of low sodium turkey, some carrot
sticks, an apple, raw sunflower seeds and unsalted peanuts.

I had a raving gleam in my eye by the time
I’d been called in. Someone had walked by the
room, the smell of a Subway sub drifting under my nose.

We’d all been commenting on the fact the office
should have had, at the very least, a plate of
cookies--something--for the stranded patients.
We’d learned the new girl had overbooked the
one surgeon we were all seeing that day.
Some patients were booked for the same time.
Good Grief!

I know my son is always drilling me about
staying on a good diet--no junk food--
but this morning I have thoughts of a guava danish
from Whole Foods, if any are left.
There’s always chocolate covered cherries, too,
that I have stashed away for Christmas…

Come Here, My Lovely...

There is so much emphasis in the
media on looking beautiful. There’s a
prescription drug encouraging eyelash
growth. What happens if it works so well
that one’s eyelashes grow too long?
I don’t want lashes that look like spider legs…

There’s also a ‘lunch time' lift--one can
enter the procedure with a gobbler neck
and droopy-dog eyes, and emerge soon
afterward with bagless, perky goldfish eyes,
the smooth neck of a dove, and $4000 lighter.

Women’s magazines have gorgeous cover
models. Vixens. Long and leggy, expertly
airbrushed, manicured and skimpily clad,
the enticing women look as though they could
have successful night jobs.

The cover tempts one to read the dangling
carrot articles: How to make him scream for
mercy, a turn back the clock’ miracle cream--
in my case I'd read the directions backwards
and advance my clock by 10 years; colon
cleansing for beauty--don’t accidentally use
Drano; Lipo for waist and inner thigh bulges.
With my luck I'd have a doctor who flunked
out of Witch Doctor’s School.

As for Brazilian waxes--Never in a Million
Sasquatch Years! Renee The Ripper can find
a more willing victim for her Wax This list of clients.
The beach is a perfect target.
Run ,men, run!

Ho-Ho-Ho

It’s that time of year when grown men
start climbing up ladders propped against
their homes, strands of twisted Christmas
lights looped around their necks.

I’m sure some wives would love to tighten
a few of those light ropes just a bit…
It’s a heated competition in the neighborhood
to see which home can out-light the other.

One year, we had an idiot family living
directly across the street--always in trouble
with the law. Their last hurrah before moving
away was to string as many lights as humanly
possible over the roof of the house, much
like Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation.

The woman’s boyfriend--we called him
Joy-Boy, climbed over the roof, draping and
stapling thousands of lights across the entire
roof. J.B. started stringing at noon and his
Gold’s Gym body didn’t finish to well after 1 a.m.

Our bedroom was suddenly lit up like a
fireworks factory had exploded. I’m sure
the Space Shuttle astronauts could have
spotted their home.

It’s amazing how far some of the neighbors
go to decorate. My neighbor and friend,
Jimmie, a short and portly Italian, must have
bought every Christmas decoration sold by Walmart.
Every part of his home has something.

The blow up figures are the funniest since many
of them semi deflate, so that half of the character’s
body is upright with the top half hanging over to
the ground. Probably how a lot of people will
feel after the holidays…

So, the first section of our street has inflated
Nativity scenes, inflated Frosty’s, golden
reindeer, and Santa sleighs, along with luminarias
bordering the driveways. Quite a pretty spectacle.

From my home a few houses up, it’s dark--no
Grinches here, just people who realize
ya gotta unstaple, un-tangle, deflate, climb
around like a roof rat, and eventually figure
out how everything goes back in the boxes
the stuff was originally in.
Ha! It's a feat that makes the sane go nuts.
Good luck all, and to all a good night!

Sticky Business...

Y-a-w-n…Tom’s snoring kept me awake
from 2-4:30 this morning.
Nothing I did remedied the snap crackle--
from bed wiggling and gentle nudging, to
“Tom, knock of the snoring!”

On the master bathroom window, illuminated
by the moon, was a huge tree frog.
I was tempted to grab my sticky friend
and seal him over Tom’s semi-open mouth.

While Jen was sleeping one night, she
awoke screaming. When I rushed into
her room, flipping on the light, a frog
as big as my fist had plopped onto her face--
nesting right over her nose and mouth.
We figure the frog had been stranded on the
overhead circulating fan, and decided to hop off.

I finally succumbed to sleep, only to be
awakened by Jen and Paul’s 5:00 rustling
in the kitchen. My two fly fishermen were
getting up to make first light on the Tamiami
Trail canals for tarpon.

When I finally got up this morning to make
my coffee in a hazy stupor, I had left
some of the previous day’s coffee in
my thermal drink cup.

I poured the first hot ounces which then
spilled over and onto the counter top, the floor
and me, soaking my clothing.

The thought of a couple more hours of sleep
sounded good about then, but wait--
I have today’s blog already brewing in
my froggy head--er, foggy head…