Hang Time...

With cell in hand, I enter the number.
Press 1 for English.
There’s something wrong with that.

The voice lists the menu options: longer than Pinocchio’s nose.
I try to remember what options 2,3, and 4 were.
I’m sorry, but all customer service representatives are busy.
The average wait time is 8 minutes. Please hold...
Hmmmm.

Let’s see…in 8 minutes, I can pour another cup of tea,
polish my nails, knock down spider-sack webs from the
pool enclosure, or go online to order Poisonous Snake insurance.
No, not really, though it’s not a bad idea…

Hanging up after 7.5 minutes of listening to bellowing
recorded music that rivaled the mating call of a wild yak,
I decided that I just saved myself $15.00.

Making the rounds around the pool deck to my padded
chaise lounge, I suddenly feel something crawling along my arm.

Looking down, I see a medium-sized black spider, dangling
from a web, orbs glaring at me, its spindly legs dancing along my arm.
Yikes! I whack it off with a paperback book, then step on it.

Maybe I should opt for poisonous spider insurance…

Cell Destruction...

My cell phone has been abducted
by Jen. She made the unwise
mistake of calling her carrier to
check if it was possible to lengthen
the ring tone. Her Smart phone
rings for only 7 seconds.

Who, short of a roadrunner, could
ever answer a phone that quickly?
It takes me that long hunting
for the darn thing, usually buried in
no-man's land--my purse.

One simple question to tech
support was all it took to turn
her phone into a vast wasteland.
A code here and a tweak there done
by a tech support trainee, sent her
phone into Never-land.

Another frustrating, pot-boiling
90 minutes was spent trying to
restore the phone back to its
factory defaults. No such luck...
It would’ve been easier ordering
takeout from China.

After much phone discussion with a
supervisor, Jen's getting a free smart
phone today. She's waiting anxiously
for her HTC Diamond...
so am I.

So, for now, I’m letting her use
my new phone, the myTouch, with
visions of my remaining minutes
rapidly dissolving. I had 236 minutes
left for the next 18 days,now withered
to a paltry 48 minutes, and counting down...

When I run out of minutes, guess
who's going to lend me their phone
for non-Fave calls until Nov. 9th?

One Ringy-Dingy, Two....

Our land line phone was obnoxious--
it had a ringer like an air raid siren.
The phone didn’t have a ringer volume adjustment.
It was so loud it could have caused
a stampede of elephants.


I detested it with a passion, and even more so when
telemarketers would call me during the evening.
My trick, finally, was to ask if they’d mind holding
for a moment , someone’s at the door…
I’d just go back to what I was doing, usually
watching Seinfeld [my Seinfeld moment].
After a minute or so, I’d hear Hello??
then a click.

I got rid of the land line.
Tom and I both got cell phones two years ago.
Weather always knocked out the electricity anyway...

Figuring out how to use the darn thing took awhile;
the user guide could have been written in hieroglyphics.
When your brain is over 60, forget it…
It took me almost two days to find the ring tone options.

Tom’s ringer is a cool Caribbean sound.
He’s not into reggae--more like the 1812 Overture…
The ring tones for my phone are far out,
modern, jazzy tones.

I chose one called Chill.
Not too bad; not too good, either…
Maybe I’ll download Jimmy Buffett’s
Margaritaville again, or the Beach Boys California Girls--
both music tones drove Paul nuts when I had them
on my blitzed phone.

On a dark and stormy night a couple of weeks ago,
I woke Tom and Paul up with a top-of-my-lungs scream.
It was almost 1 a.m.
I’d had a horrible nightmare, and was bashing Tom
like a crazy woman.
Now that scream would have made a great
ring tone for Halloween…

Attack of The Cell Phone Monster

Cell phones are invaluable when something
arises, like a car breakdown.
What’s lacking, though, is durability.
Why can’t every cell phone have waterproofed seals?

If a few drops of water hit the contacts, Zap!
Submerging my cell recently in a bowl of rice could
not revive it.
Absolutely frustrating, so I bought another phone.

I don’t take the cell outside by the pool anymore.
A few water droplets from my swimsuit dripped onto
the phone a couple of weeks ago.
It was like I’d sent it over Niagara Falls--
electrocuted itself, big time.

I’m certain the manufacturers don’t want
to build longevity into the cell phones.
The phones are all electric-chair worthy.
”Hey folks! There’s a hot new phone called
The Alcatraz Special--comes in cold steel gray and
guaranteed to be a sizzler at 12:01 a.m..”

People should also have cell phone etiquette.
I’d love it if cells came with a universal remote
so other people’s phones could be temporarily
de-activated.

Phones go off at the most inappropriate times:
in church and at the movies.
In a darkened movie theater, people text.
All the cell phones flickering on and off
during the movie looks like a lightning
bug convention.

Most phones have obnoxious ring tones.
My other phone had weird synthesizer tones--
always sounded like a call originating from Planet X.
I downloaded Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville--
really drove my family nuts!

An irksome thing is when a call recipient talks so loudly--
I get a first hand account of their ‘business‘.
Private matters should be kept private, and voices
should be lowered when talking around other people.

People talk as if they're deaf.
I’ve heard everything from divorce talk to Uncle Ned’s
prostate surgery.
I probably would’ve worn out the remote by now.