Pencil This...

I’m trying to find a pencil.
Sometimes, you just need one.
The house is full of everything else,
electronic and otherwise, but where’s
a dang pencil when you want one?

I find two in a drawer, unsharpened
or broken off. Tom’s so good at
pruning, how’d he miss these?

I put one in the electric pencil
sharpener, and the whirling begins--
honing what I think is a nice sharp point.

As it’s sharpening, the pencil is
slowly downshifting.
I remove the pencil--what’s left of it.
I decide I’d get better mileage out
of an eyebrow pencil.

An 9” pencil has become a stub with
a very nice eraser head.
It has to be a conspiracy to get the consumer
to buy more pencils.

‘Stubby’ fits into a very small section of my purse.
I guess you can’t buy a sharpener for
$5.00 and expect miracles…

Say Again?

Excuses For Bad Driving:


*There were flies buzzing around my face.

*I didn’t know that was a sidewalk.

*The accelerator got stuck.

*The coffee spilled in my lap.

*I was talking to my wife’s divorce lawyer.

*I was avoiding a turtle crossing the road.

*A Bald Eagle flew in front of the windshield.

*The GPS told me to make a U-Turn.

*I had a sneezing attack and was temporarily blinded.

*I had to take a pill.

*I’m late for my wedding.

*The ice cream melted on the steering wheel and I couldn’t grip it

*The car ahead of me with 20 people was going too slow.

*I didn’t see the Smart Car.

*Driving in the wrong lane: he had his brights on and I couldn’t see.

*I was going to be late for the Early Bird Specials.

*The cap on the beer bottle popped off because of the heat.

*I was plugging in my dvd player.

*My cat started rubbing his claws on my leg.

*I was taking a picture of the alligators.

*The car in front of me said How Am I Driving, so I called him up.

*I just had my eyes dilated.

*I tried to honk, so I had to use my finger.

*The sign in the car window said, Naked man on board

*You can’t ride the shoulder?