Humming Along...

I'm always curious about what people
have to talk about all the time on their cell phones.
Everywhere you look, people are plugged
into animated conversations.

Following behind me today was a monstrous
midnight black Hummer.
It looked like it was on steroids, or ran
on something other than gasoline.

It towered behind my timid Camry like Godzilla.
I thought at any moment I'd be swallowed up.
The young lady driving was petite--her head
was barely visible behind the wheel.
I was thinking, this gal needs a booster seat, or
a baby bottle.

Her phone was firmly attached to her ear,
and she seemed totally captivated by the conversation.
Maybe there's a shoe sale at Nordstrom...
Her hand gesturing led me to
think how is she driving that thing?

The Black Shadow maneuvered in and out of lanes
of traffic with ease, but much to the unease
of other drivers. This is senior citizen territory.
I figured she was going 60 in a 45 zone.

She zoomed through the tail end of a yellow light,
and then the familiar wail of a state trooper caught
up with her.
Despite her ticket, the trooper was cute.

Red Flag Sale...

I’m wary of some sale items that are priced
at 60% off or better, like electronics or kitchen appliances.
There’s got to be something wrong with it in the first place.
I bought a TV once that died 1 day after the warranty expired.
A big clue to that purchase should have been when the
salesperson took the TV's remote from a basket of remotes which
was kept on the floor.

I've returned a number of items that have had quality issues:
Clothing whose seams have not been sewn properly,
or the fabric has faded drastically;
toasters which have toasted one side and burned
the other side of the bread.
Tom says I'm probably on store hot lists by now!

Some infomercials say if you call in the next 10 minutes
you’ll receive a second set for free!
Is that because the first set only lasts for a week?
Maybe a month?
[I'm slightly intrigued by the shaver blade sharpener].

We bought a car several years ago through a car club,
saving a good chunk of cash.
It was factory delivered to the local dealership,
and we picked it up.
It was also the El Nino season in California.
Driving home I rolled up the windows, or thought I did.
The windows wouldn't work, so I went back to the dealer.
That was the beginning of a long list of malfunctions.
The only lemons I like are in my iced tea or in lemon meringue pie.

All Sales Final is another catch phrase.
That’s supposed to mean something?
Suppose I buy a product and it bites the dust within 30 days
of purchasing? What, I can’t return it?

I bought an All Sales Final Southwest style love seat
years ago which was significantly reduced.
The love seat was delivered the same day and
looked very nice.
After a few minutes of sitting on the love seat, things started
hopping around--from the sofa to me--bite, itch...hop, hop.
I’d bought my own flea circus.

I complained about this problem but the salesperson said,
"All sales are final, lady."
Humphh...

I stay clear of most promotional gimmicks…
you can’t get something for nothing...
or can you…?

Road Warriors...

Collier County has finally employed photo
enforcement at the busier and ignored traffic intersections.
The county collected over $400 in one week.
The national pastime for most drivers I’ve witnessed
is to run the red lights. Yellow means speed up to them.
It doesn’t matter if the intersection is as wide as a
football field--Zippy is zipping through.

Traffic operations has added a few seconds of wait time
allowing for red light busters, meaning: If east-west
traffic has the green light, west bound is already driving
while east bound sits at the light-- allowing for the
red light lefties to bust the signal.
That’s considerate--it gives you enough time to
file your fingernails , send a text, or run in to grab
a Dunkin Donut.

It was always tough to figure when the red light
was coming on--tough because the roads are such
long stretches between lights.
So you start thinking should I speed up, or start slowing down?
It took us some time to finally gauge the traffic lights.

When we moved here, we drove like little old ladies
from Pasadena, going 45 on 41, the Tamiami.
This caused some uptight drivers behind us
to honk their horns. I’ve often wished our car had
some techy James Bond gadgets so I could push
a button and send out a barrage of cow dung, or squid juice.

We eventually realized that 52 mph gets you through
most green lights and is still a cop-friendly speed.
If jet packs are ever available to the public, I’ll be first in line.

Say Again?

Excuses For Bad Driving:


*There were flies buzzing around my face.

*I didn’t know that was a sidewalk.

*The accelerator got stuck.

*The coffee spilled in my lap.

*I was talking to my wife’s divorce lawyer.

*I was avoiding a turtle crossing the road.

*A Bald Eagle flew in front of the windshield.

*The GPS told me to make a U-Turn.

*I had a sneezing attack and was temporarily blinded.

*I had to take a pill.

*I’m late for my wedding.

*The ice cream melted on the steering wheel and I couldn’t grip it

*The car ahead of me with 20 people was going too slow.

*I didn’t see the Smart Car.

*Driving in the wrong lane: he had his brights on and I couldn’t see.

*I was going to be late for the Early Bird Specials.

*The cap on the beer bottle popped off because of the heat.

*I was plugging in my dvd player.

*My cat started rubbing his claws on my leg.

*I was taking a picture of the alligators.

*The car in front of me said How Am I Driving, so I called him up.

*I just had my eyes dilated.

*I tried to honk, so I had to use my finger.

*The sign in the car window said, Naked man on board

*You can’t ride the shoulder?

Honk If You're Lost...!

Some of my friends have car navigation systems.
I’d love to get one, preferably in a car
I can call my own.
The back up cameras are pretty nifty, too.

The first time I needed to drive home late at
night was from an art class at the local Art Center
about 17 miles away.
I’m so used to day driving.
I’d driven the route from the von Liebig
many times, but I was completely turned around.
I must have driven in circles for at least 15 minutes
before finding the correct street back home.
None of the street signs are illuminated by street lamps.
Everything looks different to me at night.

I’m definitely a candidate for a GPS.
My map-reading skills aren’t that great.
The print is too small to read.
I Mapquest now.

Someday, I’ll have a new car and I’ll get
a GPS installed.
With my luck, I’ll probably get a navigation system
that will talk back to me:”I told you to make a left turn…”
Sounds like my husband…

Rock On..!

Everything is done on the fly, it seems.

Some people shave and eat while driving.

Bluetoothed drivers, whose laptops are perched

on the console, are hitting the roads.

It's a get it done world.

What did primitive man do?

Yorg had real problems.

Imagine trying to start a fire.

No matches for him.

Sticks and stones were rubbed together for heaven

knows how long, before Yorg blew his top.

His nagging wife, Yakk, banished him to the

wild more than once when he had his fits,

to hunt for some horned creature.

What about communication?

Yorg had a leather pouch filled with stones.

If he wanted to call up a fellow caveman, he'd sling

a few stones, whacking his friend upside the head.

Travel was tough, too.

Poor Yorg spent hours bashing and honing the edges

of a boulder until it would roll.

That eventually became a useful device, especially when he

finally figured out how to get a donut hole in the center.

And most enjoyable, too--when he put Yakk

in the middle and sent her rolling along ...

Not Only Mosquitoes, But...

Other minor irritating things:

*Tall movie-goers or people with big hair sitting in front of
me at the movies, after coming in late.

*Bubble gum smackers and snappers.

*Beverages, mostly coffee that's been purposely emptied on the sidewalk.

*Drivers who cut me off in traffic.

*Drivers who take up two or more parking spaces.

*People with way over 10 items in the Express Checkout.

*People who hold the place in line for more than 1 person.

*People who dump their exotic pets in the Everglades...Big problem.

*Talkers who don't let me get a word in edge-wise.

*Sneezers and coughers who don't cover their mouth.

*Those long-winded Christmas letters from people you hardly see.

*DVD's that quit with only 30 minutes left.

*Comb-overs.

*Drivers yakking on cell phones, while balancing food in their laps.

*Chips in bags that 's mostly air.

*Rebates that never arrive.



*

In One Ear...

Things to Avoid:


*Ultra-discount motels--
unless you want to start your own flea circus.

*Sushi that comes with a side of de-wormer.

*Corn-on-the-cob on a first date.

*Bar-be-cued ribs on the second date.

*Egyptian cotton sheets.
I never found Omar Sharif in the package.

*600-count thread sheets.
The sheets were so tight, I couldn't get out
of bed for days.

*Anything that has the word 'miracle' or
'revolutionary' in its advertising.

*Anything that promises it will take the
drudge out of housework.

*Anything that self-inflates.
My air-bra blew up the other day.

*Products that promise a more noticeable
improvement in 4 weeks.
Sure--if you're 30!

*Believing the 'Before' and 'After' photographs.
Ever see the difference in lighting?

*Buying a used car at night--in a
deserted, unlit parking lot.

*A tour bus--if the driver has a string
of link sausages and a 6-pack in his lap.

*Fortune cookies whose fortunes say
"Better luck next time...'

That's Life..

*feet hanging out of car windows
*being invisible:the clerk takes the person behind you
*taking the road less taken and there's no cell coverage
*finding a lounging alligator on the road ahead of you
*coffee that's been dumped on the pavement
*people who leave a shopping cart behind your car or in the parking space
*'diva' pet stores
*pets wearing diamond-studded pet collars
*people who let a sneeze or cough 'fly'
*smile wrinkles that look like excavation sites
*people who publicly embarrass one another
*European bathing suits--the skin variety
*cigarette butts littering the beach
*lit cigarettes tossed out the car window
*people talking during a movie
*overdone face lifts
*6-year life CFL's that blow after a month's time.
*animal walkers who don't scoop the poop
*store clerks who welcome women with "Hi, Guys!"
*people who openly criticize my daughter's slim figure
*funeral preparation brochures addressed to me
*people who don't really listen when your speaking to them
*drivers on cell phones
*washing the car on a day it decides to rain
*double-charged for an item
*people abusing handicapped parking