Clear The Roads...!

Capt. Tom, thinking did Nan kill the VW?

Tom, with the new car after the

VW died a stick-shift death!

Our VW rib-tickler!

If ya don't like my driving, stay off the road
could've been my slogan when I was learning to drive.
Unlike most people who were driving at 16, I was 27--
bulging with expectant parenthood.

Not only was it a tight squeeze, between me and the
steering wheel, I was cursed with learning on a
stick-shift in my husband's original VW Bug.

While my daughter was busy kicking me in the ribs,
I was ready to stick the shifter! Frustrated that I wasn't
sequencing that well with the clutch, brake, gas and stick,
I'd decided that childbirth would be a hiccup compared to
learning to drive that antique.

Tom was an airline captain and I was expecting that he
was going to call ahead for special clearance--that an
erratically driving female was loose on the road.

I'd managed to run over a row of rosebushes, cut the
turn on the corner, causing a flabbergasted pedestrian
to jump back a few feet.

Finally, after many driving lessons, I was ready to get
my license. Lucky for the man testing my driving ills--
I mean skills--he passed me, out of sheer self-preservation.
I guess hormonally-challenged females, this close to poppin',
was something he didn't want to face--again.

It's a lucky thing I never became an airline pilot...

The Highway of Everyday...

Coming back from the Publix market to the car,
some inconsiderate shopper left their shopping
cart smack against the driver side door.
There oughta be a law…

You have to be sixteen to drive, and I think
operators of shopping carts should be forty--
but wait, it was probably a forty-something
that so kindly dumped the cart by the side door.

Parking lots are dangerous.
They’re a veritable battle ground of squeeze-bys,
zippers and slow pokers.

The squeeze-bys see that I’m already 80% pulled
out from my space. Then some SUV behemoth
or a looming, jacked up truck, just barely clears
the back end of my car. Maybe the toadstool car,
the Smart Car, can get away with doing that…

Then you have the zippers: Cars that fly around
the corners of the lot aisles like locusts, just as
I’m pulling out--and the driver swarms around me,
honking! I feel like shoving a banana up their tailpipe…

The slow pokers are those who think they’re driving
in a 1-mile-an-hour zone, or on some desolate
road in the middle of nowhere. Some of these drivers
are yakking on cell phones, while others just plod along …

I’ve seen gopher tortoises crossing the street faster
than these drivers drive! Understandable if the lot is
crowded, but once these drivers leave the lot for
the streets, their car barely hiccups along at 20 mph,
which can be a dangerous thing.

I know what you’re thinking--when I’m 80, I’ll
be one“them”, scooting along the Geriatric Highway.
I’ll wear my little pink hat, have rosy cheeks, and be
taking Mahjong lessons...you're right!
Bam me…

By the time I drive the 2 miles back home, I’m ready
for a cup of tea. ..and maybe, a Twilight Zone episode...

Roads Less Traveled

There are still areas of Naples that I’m
not that familiar with. You can tell I really get around!
Forget maps...they're barely readable.

I was driving my friend to some of his doctor
appointments recently.
He’d say,”You don’t know where that street is, yet?”
Ha-ha.
He’d laugh, and tell me turn-by-turn how to get to the destination.

'Mark' knows shortcuts. It's lucky we didn't take one--
a huge banyan tree branch had snapped off and would
have crushed us and the car.

Men like to say they’ve only made a wrong turn…sure.
Tom is great at orienting himself while driving,
but when it comes to navigating the cyberspace highway,
watch out!

Every so often, a cry for help from the computer
room filters across the hallway.
“Nan, can you come here?”
My anxiety level rises...

Before I get to the room I’m thinking what is it, now?
BSOD? PC freeze?
Alas,Tom wants to send an email, which he's forgotten
how to do.
Hark! "You have to enter his @ address, not the web one..."
I added the info to an already existing PC info card for Tom.

A man’s brain is definitely structured a certain way.
There’s only so much room for the trivial things and details
that we gals are so good at knowing and remembering.

It’s a good thing that women have the babies,
since the guys would wonder where the
"How To" manual was...

That's Life..

*feet hanging out of car windows
*being invisible:the clerk takes the person behind you
*taking the road less taken and there's no cell coverage
*finding a lounging alligator on the road ahead of you
*coffee that's been dumped on the pavement
*people who leave a shopping cart behind your car or in the parking space
*'diva' pet stores
*pets wearing diamond-studded pet collars
*people who let a sneeze or cough 'fly'
*smile wrinkles that look like excavation sites
*people who publicly embarrass one another
*European bathing suits--the skin variety
*cigarette butts littering the beach
*lit cigarettes tossed out the car window
*people talking during a movie
*overdone face lifts
*6-year life CFL's that blow after a month's time.
*animal walkers who don't scoop the poop
*store clerks who welcome women with "Hi, Guys!"
*people who openly criticize my daughter's slim figure
*funeral preparation brochures addressed to me
*people who don't really listen when your speaking to them
*drivers on cell phones
*washing the car on a day it decides to rain
*double-charged for an item
*people abusing handicapped parking