This Is Florida, Right?

Florida’s unseasonably cold weather
is causing pest problems for some people.
Ants are taking the high road into warmer
confines, sneaking their spindly legs under
and through the smallest cracks and openings,
making themselves at home in kitchens and baths.

Lucky for us--and them--we haven’t seen
the little trespassers. I double-dosed the house
perimeter with “Don’t You Dare, Bug Spray”…
don’t try to find it in the stores--if you do,
call the head doc, quick…!

I imagine the underground squadrons are
re-grouping for a Spring and Summer assault
in our yard. I’m ready for you buggers…

Thankfully, the icy cold has killed off some
of the mosquitoes and no-see-ums which
plague us through most of the year.
Short-lived, I’m sure, since we’ll no doubt
have the munchers back in full nosh soon…

Rule of thumb and leg: Cover up, particularly
during the warm months! My son, Paul is
sporting bite “tattoos” on his ankles and
legs from no-see-ums.

Our resident duck, Cruiser has been squirreling
herself in pine needle mulch to keep warm.
She usually waddles into the yard with grass
and mulch hanging from her face and beak.
What a sight…

Swatting the bugs aside, the Gulf is 52
unwelcoming degrees, sending pods of
manatees to warmer Gulf waters surrounding
the electric utility plants.

Visitors are disappointed with the weather
and lack of swimming, but are enjoying the
frolicking, friendly animals. A popular
viewing spot is Manatee Park in Estero.

Watch out--it's raining iguanas!
They’re so cold that their frozen bodies go
into a hibernation state, causing them to plop
to the ground. The kamikaze iguanas appear to
be dead, and are often being removed by
individuals who suddenly discover the creatures
springing back to life in their vehicles.

Summer can't come soon enough for me.
My coffee pot awaits, the aroma drifting
under my sniffly nose. I’m still in my
flannel pj's, on morning watch for ol’ mulch face…

Come Here, My Lovely...

There is so much emphasis in the
media on looking beautiful. There’s a
prescription drug encouraging eyelash
growth. What happens if it works so well
that one’s eyelashes grow too long?
I don’t want lashes that look like spider legs…

There’s also a ‘lunch time' lift--one can
enter the procedure with a gobbler neck
and droopy-dog eyes, and emerge soon
afterward with bagless, perky goldfish eyes,
the smooth neck of a dove, and $4000 lighter.

Women’s magazines have gorgeous cover
models. Vixens. Long and leggy, expertly
airbrushed, manicured and skimpily clad,
the enticing women look as though they could
have successful night jobs.

The cover tempts one to read the dangling
carrot articles: How to make him scream for
mercy, a turn back the clock’ miracle cream--
in my case I'd read the directions backwards
and advance my clock by 10 years; colon
cleansing for beauty--don’t accidentally use
Drano; Lipo for waist and inner thigh bulges.
With my luck I'd have a doctor who flunked
out of Witch Doctor’s School.

As for Brazilian waxes--Never in a Million
Sasquatch Years! Renee The Ripper can find
a more willing victim for her Wax This list of clients.
The beach is a perfect target.
Run ,men, run!

Hell On Two Feet...

I was in my favorite bookstore café
Saturday enjoying a pleasant conversation
with a friend who shares my interest in photography.

All of a sudden, from my friend’s row
of seats, a very nasty man stood up
and told us both to "Shut up! I'm trying to read."
Judging from his speech, he must have just
been transported from way up north or
maybe an alien planet. He was so rude.

I told him to lighten up--the café is a social
atmosphere with some degree of noise:
Music playing, ice machines cranked up and
children playing about...that if he wanted
it quiet he should go to the library or to church.

He used some profanity and threw out
a few goddammits whereupon I explicitly
told him not to take God’s name in vain.
He said, "What God ?"and walked off fuming,
as I told him he should go to Rosh Hashanah
services, instead.

Naples is a relaxed, happy and laid back coastal
town where nearly everyone wears a smile.
So if any uptight grumpies out there are planning
to visit, leave the attitude at home, grab a
swimsuit and try not to swim with the sharks…
heh-heh.

Camp-Free Zone

We’ve never been camping. Not once.
Tom is the kind of guy
who loves nature and the outdoors.
Me, too.

He’s talked about camping in the Sierras
and in northern Cal.
The reality of spending money on camping equipment,
packing the stuff and setting it up, then repacking
it all changed his thoughts.

The idea of a hot shower and a comfortable bed
is more appealing and a hard notion to give up
in favor of camping.
If you’re really in the boonies there won’t be a
store around for miles.

Seasoned campers know the ropes.
They know how to make a great campfire.
The aroma of hot dogs and beans, or the catch
of the day, drifting through the night air sounds
mouthwatering-- if you ate hot dogs and beans
and lake trout.

Tom likes hummus, kale salads with organic soy
and black beans; plain yogurt, cans of Alaskan
wild caught salmon, pumpernickel bread, almonds,
and hard-boiled eggs; Uncle Sam and Kashi GoLean
cereals, bananas, and California navel oranges.
It’s pretty apparent camp cooking wouldn’t be much
on the ‘to do’ list.

There’s also the prospect of bears sniffing around,
looking for food or a human keepsake--like one’s scalp.
Snakes and spiders could be a problem.
Come to think of it, I have wildlife and reptiles in my own
neighborhood…
Camping sounds like fun, alright.
Who’s up for a chicken stir-fry?

Encore

The beach is tranquil.
The gentle lapping of the waves curling up along the
shoreline, the sea birds chasing the shiny minnows,
elevates me to a calm place in my thoughts.

The soft breezes float salty sea air while I walk
on the damp sand. Shells tumble and swirl onto the shore,
gathering up into mounds, waiting for seeking fingers.
Criss-crossed footprints run along the path I'm taking.
Some are large, others are tiny.
How many of those are first time visitors to this beach...
how many will be coming back?
I don't see some of the older regulars any more...

The sea is ever changing as the day lengthens
into early evening.
The glistening blue water of the Gulf deepens
with fringes of violet and gold, reflecting
the setting sun, today's finale.
As I leave the beach I know new treasures
await tomorrow's encore.

BZZZZZ...

Killing insects has been on my mind lately.
The unseasonably early rains teamed with very
hot days has sent the bug population into hyperdrive.

Yesterday, Tom went to the local State Park
for a jog along the beach.
No sooner had he returned to use the outdoor shower,
when swarms of mosquitoes and black flies began
coating his arms and legs.

Within the State Park system the use of any
form of insect control is forbidden.
The Park is a natural habitat for turtles,
lizards, snakes, racoons, and birds.
We've learned to co-exist with the bothersome insects,
however hard that might be.

When we got home, I think most of the 'airborne fleet'
had hitched a ride back home with us.
They began zooming and buzzing about the car
once the AC was turned off.
Well, I had some news for them!
Listen here, you're on My turf, now, I thought
as I grabbed the can of bug spray.

How crazy it must have looked as I lunged and dodged,
taking aim, spraying, then retreating from the fumes.
All the flying pests, including their relatives,
slowly dropped away.

I know squadrons more will be on the horizon,
waiting to infiltrate our home.
But, beware--I'm armed...

It's a Tropical Heatwave...

Floridians, myself included, are spoiled.
When the temperatures dip below 75, hoards of people
run to the stores to buy jackets and sweat shirts and sweat pants.
You would think a blizzard was coming!

For a few days last winter, it was downright chilly--in the low 50's and 60's.
My teeth were chattering while visitors from up north
and the midwest wore walking shorts, tank tops and sandals.
It was a heatwave to them!

Before moving to Florida, we sold many of our cold weather clothes
on Ebay and in garage sales.
No one needs a jacket in Florida--right?
Ha...