Hang Time...

With cell in hand, I enter the number.
Press 1 for English.
There’s something wrong with that.

The voice lists the menu options: longer than Pinocchio’s nose.
I try to remember what options 2,3, and 4 were.
I’m sorry, but all customer service representatives are busy.
The average wait time is 8 minutes. Please hold...
Hmmmm.

Let’s see…in 8 minutes, I can pour another cup of tea,
polish my nails, knock down spider-sack webs from the
pool enclosure, or go online to order Poisonous Snake insurance.
No, not really, though it’s not a bad idea…

Hanging up after 7.5 minutes of listening to bellowing
recorded music that rivaled the mating call of a wild yak,
I decided that I just saved myself $15.00.

Making the rounds around the pool deck to my padded
chaise lounge, I suddenly feel something crawling along my arm.

Looking down, I see a medium-sized black spider, dangling
from a web, orbs glaring at me, its spindly legs dancing along my arm.
Yikes! I whack it off with a paperback book, then step on it.

Maybe I should opt for poisonous spider insurance…

What's For Dinner...?

While I was cooking dinner one evening,
I flipped on the television program featuring
Andrew Zimmern, the bald-headed guy who
travels the far corners of the
world sampling exotic fare.

He’d just opened his mouth to a forkful of
some steaming dish which included disgusting
post-wiggling insects, better left on garbage.

A few minutes later, he spooned up a kind
of stew with round meatballs--not the kind
I’m used to serving up with spaghetti.

Another dish he devoured so enthusiastically
resembled a head of cauliflower...ugh.
As he traveled on through the city, he came
across a street vendor offering a plate of
skewered scorpions, from which he took one
and so spiritedly crunched, grinning broadly.

As my stomach tried to settle back to normal,
I finished up in the kitchen and brought dinner
to the table--a very all-American dish of teriyaki,
orange-glazed salmon, rice and steamed veggies.

Since Jen has moved back home, I’ve
been creating menus--nothing fancy, just good,
wholesomely nutritious food.
Having been a Key West gal for the last 6 months,
she's gotten used to scallops and fresh lobster.

Cooking mainly for Paul and myself for
quite awhile, our dinners were often just salads
and veggies, tilapia, or my famous pizza:
Baby Ray's Original BBQ sauce, skim mozzarella,
cubed grilled chicken, pineapple tidbits,
all topped with chopped cilantro.

Just yesterday, out in the garage, Paul yelled
"Mom,come out and see this gigantic bug crawling around."
It sported a huge, beetle-like shell with front extended
pincers and four long legs.

Either Halloween is coming earlier this month,
or this indescribably scary insect fell out of that
television show I’d been watching.

It looked at me with its multiple orbs.
Hmmm…might be interesting roasted and dipped in a
mango and honey-dijon sauce...

The Ant-inator

Ants, the size of Sherman tanks, invaded
the lanai over the weekend.
Tom and I foot stomped at least 100 or more.
They're indestructible.

No sooner would I squish them, that
they'd pull an Arnold, suddenly reconfiguring
their twisted bodies.
I couldn't even get Cruiser, our tortilla chip-eating
resident duck, interested in picking them off.

The recent deluge unearthed the huge beasts.
They were circling the pool in droves; some were
diving into the water.
All that was missing were their floats and snorkels.

I hosed them off through the lanai doors,
then used some ant spray.
Impervious to that, the armor proof
ant squad regrouped and skittered defiantly
along the cage perimeter.
I expected to hear bugles blowing...march on!

Short of using something volatile like
a flame-thrower, I sprayed them once more .
I could've been spritzing them with
Tommy Bahama, all the good it did...

Then, seconds later, dizzy and awkward,
they fell, legs up...
looked like the conga line after a wild night
at Sloppy Joe's.

What a way to spend my summer...

Bug-B-Gone...

We’ve been fighting a mosquito in the
house for days. The high-pitched buzzing insect
has evaded death several times.
It cleverly hides on the light walls or furniture,
very low or up on the 14’ ceiling.

I won’t use bug spray--hate the smell.
I bet the bugger knows that, too--hence,
why it’s been a cat and mouse game for almost a week.

I thought of wearing a disguise, a la Far Side--
maybe a gigantic bug suit with a huge stinger.
Might scare the toxins--for lack of a better word--
out of the mosquito!

For insects so insignificantly small, they bring
down grown men.
It’s funny to see Tom go after the critter.
Towels swat left and right at the evasive insect.

Well, the battle finally ended last night when
the space invader met Paul’s wrath, after biting
him twice while he was at the computer.
With the swiftness and precise aim of a great mosquito
marksman, he clapped the Biting One--
may it lie squished in peace.

Going Once...

I'm after ants, again.
Not your typical black ant, but swirly ants,

better known as sugar or crazy ants.

They're nearly microscopic.

And nuts!

They swirl around like Whirling Dervishes.

Jen made the mistake of leaving a half-finished

soda can in her car. The next day, I think every

crazy ant in Naples was feasting on Coke.

Daisy, our lovebird, enjoys a tropical seed mix.

She's kept in the lanai during the day.

By evening, much of her seed has scattered

from her cage to the decking.

Daisy is an enthusiastic eater.

The seed attracts scores of crazies.

It's an ongoing battle.

There doesn't seem to be an insect or reptile

alive willing to help me eliminate the ant problem.

The lizards are bug-specific.

So are the tree frogs.

Not interested.

These ants are indeed crazy.

They're even attracted to dried glue--dried anything.

They've strayed into my old pc a few times.

What on earth could they possibly find in there?

Yes, I think ants were put on earth to drive us crazy.

Too bad some research program can't use them.

How about the Space Program ?

Maybe the ants could be put in orbit.

What about Cyberspace?

Maybe I can sell the ants on Ebay...

*No new Blog on Monday.

One Leg Or Two?

Florida is a great place to live.
Some people may , and do, disagree.
We don't have seasons to speak of.
It's shorts and sandals weather most days of the year.

One thing for certain is once you visit or move to Florida,
the bugs will find you--the welcome mat being exposed arms and legs.
It doesn't matter if you're a tourist.
Suddenly, new blood is discovered.
Mmmm...good.

When we first moved to Southwest Florida, I'd feel the after-bite--
an intense itching.
I discovered that I couldn't even see WHAT was biting me!
Like the Far Side cartoons, you'd need an electron microscope to see the sand-sized critters nibbling your ankle .

Floridians call these pepper-colored specks No-See-Umms.
Once bitten, your itch-reflex kicks into hyper-speed.
Whatever the critter left behind, be certain of this: you'll be feeling it for months to come.

Mosquitoes, on the other hand, are dreaded, too.
Their numbers are squelched during the summer when
mosquito abatement takes place.
Planes fly over the preserves spraying for the intolerable insects.
I can deal with the skeeters.
Which is worse, of the two?
Almost head-to-head, No-See-Umms are the clear winners.


I think I've passed the time period of being an inviting newbie to the bugs.
There are tourists arriving here everyday..
nice and yummy, too...

To Nancy's House We Go...

Hot afternoons in Florida bring on not only intense heat but also roving cavalries of insects. They must be armor-plated, since no bug treatment seems to phase them.
Ants, in particular. Fire and black ants.
They have hides like Kevlar.

They're very good at social networking.
The leader has an excellent command strategy.
He maintains a covey of dedicated followers hard at work burrowing and heaving the earth.
Armed with a bag of ant pellets, I sprinkle on more than I should over the billowing mounds, watering, as directed.
Promises a dead mound in 24 hours..

Needless to say, I'm back outside the following day and find that the Ant Commander has evaded death by strategically issuing his troops underground in a SE direction another 2 feet.

I surrender to the army of ants, and go inside to put on my swimsuit.
My son 's left the chaise outside on the grass, so barefooted, I go back outside.
As I'm carrying the chaise through the lanai screen door, I step on a new mound.
Legions of black ants are scurrying between my toes and up my calves.

Yelping, I swat them off. My feet are burning and intensely itchy.
I know the ants have drilled and spit a special anti-human potion into my body.
I also know that the effectiveness of their bites will last more than 24 hours..
say more like 2 months.
Yes, the ants have won again.