Where, Oh Where?

When we decided to move from Cal, tossing out
or donating stuff was the first thing we did.
I was so happy at the prospect of selling the house,
I started 6 months early with boxing things up.
I had a lot of books on writing and photography.
I sold or donated 1/3 of the books; other items got Ebayed.

On moving day, we had a driveway sale of all that
was left--everything went.
Our FL home is large--just enough room for more stuff,
which I’m good at accumulating.
I’ve added to my reference collection, thanks to Amazon
used books and Border bookstore rewards coupons.

I rearrange drawers, cabinets and miscellaneous items
that I think I need to save.
Some things are hard to throw away-- seemingly indispensable.
Tom says if I haven't used it in 6 months, throw it out...
Food for thought...

I’m running out of space again.
My DVD collection is double-stacked.
It's all Borders and Books-A-Million's fault for having
such good sales.

In 7 years I've created a monster...
I went online this morning checking out Pier 1 Imports
and World Market for bookcases and a media unit--
just large enough to store what I have.

Where would I put the furniture pieces?
I might need to Craigslist or donate a couple of things
to make more room.

Jen just called.
She's downsizing her storage unit--
"Mom, can I store some of the furniture in the house?"
She lists a media center, chest of drawers, queen bed
and headboard, plus a dining set.

The house is starting to grown...

Pencil This...

I’m trying to find a pencil.
Sometimes, you just need one.
The house is full of everything else,
electronic and otherwise, but where’s
a dang pencil when you want one?

I find two in a drawer, unsharpened
or broken off. Tom’s so good at
pruning, how’d he miss these?

I put one in the electric pencil
sharpener, and the whirling begins--
honing what I think is a nice sharp point.

As it’s sharpening, the pencil is
slowly downshifting.
I remove the pencil--what’s left of it.
I decide I’d get better mileage out
of an eyebrow pencil.

An 9” pencil has become a stub with
a very nice eraser head.
It has to be a conspiracy to get the consumer
to buy more pencils.

‘Stubby’ fits into a very small section of my purse.
I guess you can’t buy a sharpener for
$5.00 and expect miracles…

Fly-bys...

Give Tom a pair of pruning shears, and he turns into
Edward Scissorhands at warp speed.
In our front yard there are two palm trees and one
live oak--or what’s left of them.

Tom gets antsy thinking about tropical waves and
possible hurricanes.
He has visions of the tree branches taking flight
through our windows, or damaging the roof tiles.

With intense determination, despite my pleas to
“Please leave something resembling a tree,” Tom
mercilessly attacks the branches.
There’s barely a branch left for a bird to land on…

There’s one tree left to massacre--a live oak,
which has been standing naked for 7 years,
imitating at being a tree.
I warn him that there’s a nest of birds
living in it--leave it alone.

Tom proceeds to nip a few branches around the nest.
Mama bird is hysterical, swooping and flapping
her wings at Tom.
She’s made it clear that he’s trespassing.
I ask him if he’d like to hose off his head…?

Roads Less Traveled

There are still areas of Naples that I’m
not that familiar with. You can tell I really get around!
Forget maps...they're barely readable.

I was driving my friend to some of his doctor
appointments recently.
He’d say,”You don’t know where that street is, yet?”
Ha-ha.
He’d laugh, and tell me turn-by-turn how to get to the destination.

'Mark' knows shortcuts. It's lucky we didn't take one--
a huge banyan tree branch had snapped off and would
have crushed us and the car.

Men like to say they’ve only made a wrong turn…sure.
Tom is great at orienting himself while driving,
but when it comes to navigating the cyberspace highway,
watch out!

Every so often, a cry for help from the computer
room filters across the hallway.
“Nan, can you come here?”
My anxiety level rises...

Before I get to the room I’m thinking what is it, now?
BSOD? PC freeze?
Alas,Tom wants to send an email, which he's forgotten
how to do.
Hark! "You have to enter his @ address, not the web one..."
I added the info to an already existing PC info card for Tom.

A man’s brain is definitely structured a certain way.
There’s only so much room for the trivial things and details
that we gals are so good at knowing and remembering.

It’s a good thing that women have the babies,
since the guys would wonder where the
"How To" manual was...

Mirror Image...

I tried on some end-of-summer clothes today.
The fitting room had a two-sided mirror.
I thought I was in the Fun House.

For some reason, my legs looked
wide and short; I looked magnified.
Cellulite seemed to jump right off my legs;
looked like the surface of the moon.

Cheesecake poses are one thing, but
looking cheesy is another… I stand 5’8 at 125,
so the mirrors aren’t doing anyone justice.
Most stores use skinny mirrors.

My side view mirror in my car says
Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.
No kidding...
maybe the same type of glass was used--
I looked like the marshmallow float in Ghostbusters.

Without much deliberation, I removed the
shorts and tank, deciding I could live without them.
I checked myself one more time in the mahogany-framed
floor mirror as I left the store, thoughts of a guava danish
dancing in my head...

Tee-d Off...

A doctor's office is the last place I want to be
Most poor souls in the waiting room look like
death warmed over. I'm this side of feeling
like a bowl of leftovers...stuffy, aching sinuses.


The nurse leads me into the patient room,
which has to be as cold as Antarctica;
something resembling a paper bag is given
to me to put on.
I never know how the contraption goes.
Forwards, backwards...?
It's so stuck together that the Hulk wouldn't be able
to separate it.
I thought I'd put my feet through the arm holes,
just to be funny.

The magazine selection stinks:
Golf--I don't play,
Popular Mechanics--that's a good one;
Parents--I'm past that;
AARP--I refuse to admit I'm getting older.
I finally settle on Naples Illustrated,
and find my picture on page 110 which
was taken at an art opening at the von Liebig.

After milking the magazine for a good 45 minutes
past my appointment time, the doc finally comes in.
He asks me what the problem is.
"The world's not in too good a shape,
kids are out of work, and I was getting sick
of waiting in this igloo..."
My behind is stuck to the table.
He chuckles.
I know who to call to book a clown
for a birthday party...

After about 7 minutes, I'm shedding
Omar the Tent Maker's paper dress, and
heading home.
I knew it was allergies all along and
not a cold...
Maybe I should take up golf--
I can find a new doctor whose office is next door
to a putting green.
He can call me off the course when he's ready...

Animal Behavior...

What kind of a Hello person are you?
When friends meet, are you swallowed up in hugs,
or weak hand shakes?
About everyone I know are huggers, and often,
cheek kissers.
Heck, I don't mind...I'll take whatever I can get!
There's a limit to kissing, especially since there may
be food still hanging from the corner of one's mouth--yarg...

We had an old neighbor who really liked hugging
me so hard, the air escaped my lungs--and I
thought orangutans were huggers...

Not only was he a hugger, but a Guinness Book
hugger of at least 30 seconds.
I couldn't have broken away if I wanted to.
He had a real gleam in his eye...
Finally, I had to break down and tell him to bug off,
this flower is off limits!
Thankfully, he's recently moved.

Tom isn't a hugger. He leaves that up to me,
when people meet up. That's okay.
Sometimes a "How's it going?" is good enough--
though I don't want to really hear that so-and-so's
goiter is acting up...whatever.

There are certain people who deserve a
hug and a kiss--like the FPL guy who finally
turns the power back on days after a hurricane,
getting the AC up and running again...ahhh.
Kiss...

Did You Know...

*Moths are not attracted to light or flame--
merely disoriented. In order to adapt to the light,
the moth circles numerous times to orient itself
and accept the light or flame as a stationary object.

*The mosquito is the most lethally dangerous
animal due to the array of fatal diseases they carry:
Encephalitis,dengue fever, malaria, and yellow fever,
to name a few. Every twelve seconds, a person
dies due to contracting disease from a mosquito bite.

*Camels store fat in their humps for energy--
not water. Energizer Bunny, move over...

*Waiting to swim 20 minutes after eating allows
the blood to return to the legs after helping the
stomach digest food--thereby avoiding paralyzing
leg cramps.

*Shrimp are the noisiest creatures under the sea,
overriding the blue whale. The shrimp layer
creates noise which whites out a submarine's sonar,
deafening anyone wearing a headset.

*Panama hats come from Ecuador.
A quality hat can take up to 5 months to make,
since the toquilla used to construct the hat
takes five days every month to harvest--during
the moon's final phase. The palm leaf doesn't soak
up as much water during that time, allowing
for easier weaving.

*The color of water is blue. Selective absorption and
scattering of the light spectrum causes this to occur.
If you peek into a deep hole in the snow or
see a frozen waterfall, there's a visible shade of blue.

*The bravest of all animals is the carrier pigeon
since they were heavily used during WWII because
of blackouts. One of the most famous was Winkie
who was on a plane when it crashed.
The bird escaped and valiantly flew back to her
owner in Scotland-- looking bedraggled and tired.
The owner could determine how long Winkie
had been flying. She had flown 120 miles from
the crashed bomber to deliver an SOS;
from that knowledge the owner determined the
plane's coordinates, thereby saving the crew.
She was awarded the The Dickin Medal for Animal Bravery,
the first to be so awarded.

*Work is responsible for more deaths than alcohol,
drugs, or war. It's been noted that approximately
two million people die annually from work-related
accidents and diseases. Agriculture and construction
deaths head the list, with household deaths due to falls
and other accidents, at the bottom of the list.

Ain't She Sweet...

I don't have a dog; my family used
to years ago. I'm more of a bird gal.
Birds are much easier to care for.
Our lovebird , Daisy, is perched on my wrist
while I blog, preening...

Besides, we don't need a dog since there
are now two pugs living next door... barking
at any movement in the backyard.

They go absolutely nuts when Cruiser,
our resident duck, waddles by.
Cruiser snorts hot air at the yappers.

It's strange how the owners never really
hear their barking animals--must be music
to their ears. I also wonder why they'd keep
them outside in this intolerable heat?

Dogs are fine as long as they keep
their yaps quiet,and don't charge at me
with teeth bared. That's happened only twice.
I'm lucky the dog, on each occasion,
was held back by a working electric fence.
Unfortunately, many Florida communities
don't allow fences around the property.
Maybe I should capture the neighborhood
alligator, leash it, and take it on walks with me...

Tom's been bitten once in the past by an
unleashed German Shepherd while jogging,
requiring stitches on his leg.
Paul was nipped on the ankle by a neighbor's
Maltese while taking a walk.
The Dog Whisperer would be very busy
in our neighborhood...

Like I said, I'd rather have a bird...
quit pecking at me, Daisy!

The Ant-inator

Ants, the size of Sherman tanks, invaded
the lanai over the weekend.
Tom and I foot stomped at least 100 or more.
They're indestructible.

No sooner would I squish them, that
they'd pull an Arnold, suddenly reconfiguring
their twisted bodies.
I couldn't even get Cruiser, our tortilla chip-eating
resident duck, interested in picking them off.

The recent deluge unearthed the huge beasts.
They were circling the pool in droves; some were
diving into the water.
All that was missing were their floats and snorkels.

I hosed them off through the lanai doors,
then used some ant spray.
Impervious to that, the armor proof
ant squad regrouped and skittered defiantly
along the cage perimeter.
I expected to hear bugles blowing...march on!

Short of using something volatile like
a flame-thrower, I sprayed them once more .
I could've been spritzing them with
Tommy Bahama, all the good it did...

Then, seconds later, dizzy and awkward,
they fell, legs up...
looked like the conga line after a wild night
at Sloppy Joe's.

What a way to spend my summer...

Buzz It...

I see nothing but horrible comb-overs.
Men take the thinnest, stringiest bits of hair
and lop it to the other side of their skull.

The part is falling off the side of their head.
I won't even mention bad, ill-conceived hair-pieces.
Looks like something died up there...
It's the most unnecessary, last-ditch effort to
preserve the appearance of having hair.

Remember GLH,the powdery spray-on
one could use to disguise a thinning scalp?
Hair in a can.
The consistency was weird--
looked like colored, vinyl-like sawdust .

Get rid of the comb-overs with a
close haircut--bald is in, too.
Gals like the chrome-dome look.
Yul Brynner was handsome and hairless.

If you're losing
it don't despair...
just cut it off
and look debonair...

It Wasn't Me...Heh-Heh!

In the 4th grade at St.Clement's,
I remember dipping a girl's hair into an inkwell;
she was annoying.
Her obnoxiously long braids always hung
temptingly over my desk;
they must've been 20" long.

They'd swing, swish-swish...
sometimes they became airborne,
flicking me in my face.
I could've used them for bookmarks.

Mind you, only the tip of one, from the
rubber band down--say 1"--got baptized.
The unfortunate thing was that her braid
began dripping onto her crisp, white uniform blouse;
just a little, but enough to notice.
Uh-oh.

Sister brought it to the girl's attention,
who was then excused to wash the ink out
from her braid and her blouse.

The girl never could figure out how that had happened.
I think I confessed my bad deed at confession,
just to be safe.
Scissors would've been fun, too...

Banzai!

I never wanted any help in the kitchen,
though sometimes I’d have Jen help me out.
If help’s in the kitchen, it usually means
more of a mess--
I figured why add to the kitchen cleanup?

Everyone has their own rhythm and methods
of doing things. I clean up immediately after each prep.
Jen would cut up the veggies and cube the chicken.
We liked making Asian-inspired recipes.
I really appreciated her help, even though it sometimes
looked like a Benihana chef had gone berserk…

Jen now understands where I was coming from
when I’d often tell her “No thanks, honey--I can do it…”
She’s a great cook and enjoys her kitchen and cooking solo.
Her fella, Vince, from what I hear, rocks in the kitchen, too.
Jen’s motto is:
Food go in pot, not on floor…

Bug-B-Gone...

We’ve been fighting a mosquito in the
house for days. The high-pitched buzzing insect
has evaded death several times.
It cleverly hides on the light walls or furniture,
very low or up on the 14’ ceiling.

I won’t use bug spray--hate the smell.
I bet the bugger knows that, too--hence,
why it’s been a cat and mouse game for almost a week.

I thought of wearing a disguise, a la Far Side--
maybe a gigantic bug suit with a huge stinger.
Might scare the toxins--for lack of a better word--
out of the mosquito!

For insects so insignificantly small, they bring
down grown men.
It’s funny to see Tom go after the critter.
Towels swat left and right at the evasive insect.

Well, the battle finally ended last night when
the space invader met Paul’s wrath, after biting
him twice while he was at the computer.
With the swiftness and precise aim of a great mosquito
marksman, he clapped the Biting One--
may it lie squished in peace.

Floridians...

*Think of keys as islands.

*Are choosy about which shells to collect.

*Don't mistake dolphins for sharks.

*Don't mistake Roseate Spoonbills for Flamingos.

*Know the difference between buffets and Buffett.

*Eat early to enjoy the sunsets.

*Know the best seafood restaurants.

*Love grits, mangoes and guavas.

*Have great rum recipes for coconut shrimp.

*Have a cupboard stocked with food, water and candles.

*Have battery operated portable televisions.

*Don't have fences around their homes.

*Eat fresh Gulf shrimp.

*Have hurricane parties.

*Get the frizzies.

*Must know the difference between a King Snake and a Coral snake.

*Complain when the temperature dips to 70.

*Know that Persian Limes make the best Key Lime Pie.

*Carry sunscreen at all times.

*Know how to keep a beach umbrella from taking flight.

*Take cover during a lightning storm.

*Have purse-sized dogs.

*Recognize tourists from their lobster-red sunburns.

Give Me A Home...

Years ago we went to Yellowstone National Park.
The kids were pretty young.
I dragged along an aluminum photography case,
a Tenba backpack and a tripod.

In the case was a RB-67, a medium-format camera
and 3 lenses. The equipment weighed a ton.
Tom wanted me to leave it at home.
Why carry all that stuff around?

Yellowstone was a real photographer's paradise.
The scenery was awe-inspiring.
I set up my camera at every landscape opportunity.
Herds of buffalo roamed freely. Tourists were standing
next to the them.

Later, after several hours, we headed out of the park.
In the middle of the road we encountered several buffalo.
We waited for a long time, hoping the animals would
move along. Tom thought it was cool, and kept his driver
side window down.

The granddaddy of all buffaloes suddenly appeared
outside the driver's door.
He had his dripping snout poking part way through
the open window.
His eyes were glassy and steam swirled from his nostrils.

By then, I was smacking Tom to get the window up, quick!
The kids were on the floor of the back seat, screaming.
I was shrieking.

Tom pushed the window button and the buffalo budged
a little from the window, as the window went up.
He fumed a plume of bad buffalo breath, and walked off.
That was a little too close to nature for me
One thing may have been missing from my case--
a blow gun...

A Lobster By Any Other Name...

Lobsters.
Mm mm...butter-dipped, succulent warm meat.
When we first moved here to Naples in 2002,
Jen wanted to celebrate our first night by taking
the four of us to a restaurant, which I won't name.

The advertised special was a 1# lobster for 16.00.
We ordered 4. When the plates arrived, we each
looked at the anorexic lobsters sitting on our
huge white plates--kind of like an island with
only one palm tree...
I was thinking, where is it?

I'd never seen a smaller tail in all of my lobster days--
which amounts to three over my lifetime.
I'd seen bigger tails on shrimp.

I wasn't sure how to attack it.
I wasn't even sure if it wasn't just a faux lobster--
one in disguise, or only the skeleton of one-- minus the meat.

We were all so hungry, so I prodded and picked,
and saw some disgusting green and gray muck that
looked like it came from a space creature's guts.
How would I know that...?

We all managed to get no more than a 1/4
cup's worth. Jen was disappointed, but her
intentions were sweet.
I haven't had a lobster since.

Jen's been in town, from Key West.
She and Paul went fishing for a few days in Stuart.
Her fella, Vince, has a bucket of lobsters from lobstering
in the Keys.
The lobsters are calling, so Jen's heading back
to K W this afternoon.

I'm suddenly having visions of warm, sweet,
butter-dripping meat...

Camp-Free Zone

We’ve never been camping. Not once.
Tom is the kind of guy
who loves nature and the outdoors.
Me, too.

He’s talked about camping in the Sierras
and in northern Cal.
The reality of spending money on camping equipment,
packing the stuff and setting it up, then repacking
it all changed his thoughts.

The idea of a hot shower and a comfortable bed
is more appealing and a hard notion to give up
in favor of camping.
If you’re really in the boonies there won’t be a
store around for miles.

Seasoned campers know the ropes.
They know how to make a great campfire.
The aroma of hot dogs and beans, or the catch
of the day, drifting through the night air sounds
mouthwatering-- if you ate hot dogs and beans
and lake trout.

Tom likes hummus, kale salads with organic soy
and black beans; plain yogurt, cans of Alaskan
wild caught salmon, pumpernickel bread, almonds,
and hard-boiled eggs; Uncle Sam and Kashi GoLean
cereals, bananas, and California navel oranges.
It’s pretty apparent camp cooking wouldn’t be much
on the ‘to do’ list.

There’s also the prospect of bears sniffing around,
looking for food or a human keepsake--like one’s scalp.
Snakes and spiders could be a problem.
Come to think of it, I have wildlife and reptiles in my own
neighborhood…
Camping sounds like fun, alright.
Who’s up for a chicken stir-fry?

Half-Steam Ahead

*6:10--Wake up, thank God... stretch, groan...
and wonder why I get up so dang early every morning.

*7:00--Brew coffee. It's a new flavor called
La Brea Tar Pits.. what eventually killed the dinosaurs!.

*7:40--Wonder why I haven't perked up
from the percolator...
my stomach sounds like the water works, however.

*7:50--Get on the computer. Look at the blank screen.
Try to dig something funny from my tired, locked
down brain. Should I tackle bug invasion...again?

*8:30--Voila! Edit my draft blog, upload a picture,
save and publish the blog.

*8:45--Do some internet research.
See an interesting site and unleash a viral nest
of trojan downloaders. Norton kicks in immediately.
Virus scanning.

*9:30--Head for Books-A-Million bookstore [BAM].

*9:50--Blog some more on my AlphaSmart 3000
word processor. Best thing I ever bought...
gets people wondering what the heck it is! *11:15--Go home, check out the inviting pool which
has invited small, beetle-like bugs, no larger than
an ant, to a pool party.
How they get through the pool enclosure netting
is beyond me. These winged bugs cluster in pods
of 20 or more.
Hmmm...Invasion of the Body
Snatchers comes to mind...

*12:15--Skim the pool and take a dip.
Maybe I can sell the bugs under miscellaneous
weird stuff on Ebay...

*12:30--Cruiser, our resident duck, shows up.
Give him water, but he's on a tortilla chip ban.
He snorts a few times, then leaves.

*1:00--Think about having some lunch.
Eat some of Cruiser's unsalted tortilla chips
with cottage cheese, raw unsalted peanuts and fruit.
Take vitamins.

*2:00--Watch recording of A M C.
Pine Valley is one dang-interesting place!
Zack is some hunk...

*3:00-start yawning...thinking about what to
have for dinner.

*3:15--Sleep on it...

*5:00--play Some Enchanted Evening by Art Garfunkel while preparing dinner. So romantic...

*6:30--Just in time for Seinfeld.

*8:00-- Get some ideas tapped out for tomorrow's blog.

*10:00--Curtains... Tha-a-at's All Folks...!